To be fair I should tell you what you don’t see in the picture.
What you don’t see in all my beautiful posts from yesterday is that on Sunday, 5 April, something in my soul cracked and my 12 year old told her mother “I’ve never seen daddy cry before.”
My body was wracked by gut-wrenching, breath-stealing sobs that would not be contained.
The dam broke.
I hate covid-19.
I hate the stress of wanting to do better and feeling woefully inadequate for everything that matters because of love:
husbanding-parenting-householding-pastoring-friending-broadcasting-distancing-togethering-financing-interneting-zooming-learning-teachering-homeschooling-discipling-tracking-the-church-that-has-scattered-to-the-four-corners of the globe-goodbying-grocery-shopping-without-getting-sick-and-dying-praying-staying-healthy-securing-the-broken-in-garage-from-more-thieves-teching-wondering-about-parents-who-are-isolating-planning-producing-content-leading-comforting-mobilizing-communicating-partnering-staying-on-mission-serving-my-neighbours-without-making-them-sick-empathizing-and-i’m-supposed-to-do-something-great-in-isolation-right?-comparing-and-knowing-i’m-not-supposed-to-AND-wanting-to-be-an-expert-but-the-only-thing-i’m-an-expert-at-is-being-me-and-i’m-not-doing-that-very-well-right-now-ing.
I’m already sick of all the gurus telling me how to do this. If I get another email from a church specialist telling me or even offering how to do better… Oh wait that’s all I’m getting these days — FROM EVERYBODY! How to do better.
I’m angry about that too.
Enough.
And yet there in the midst of my deluge of grief: hugs from my family; assurances—it’s ok we are all trying; Psalm 46:1 offered by the 12 year old; and “He Will See You Through” from Rhiannon Giddens album ‘There Is No Other’ with Francesco Turrisi. (Listen to it below)
God is good
And. I’m. still. angry.
Craig. Thanks for your transparency and honesty. Your thoughts are echoed in many ways. Prayers that your older (& younger) loved ones are keeping healthy and well. And thank you for the vital work that you do, supporting many thru these unprecedented times. God is good. Blessings.
Hey Craig,
Thanks for sharing honestly. I think it’s ok to feel frustrated and angry, because in a way it means you still care deeply. It would be most troubling if we are indifferent about all this.
A verse that came to mind is Romans 5:3-4. Through the suffering, we practice perseverance and are rewarded with hope!
Thank you that you and your family are always a source of blessing for us.
Marie
Love this and Amen!